Week 13
The other reading irony right now,
Ew, its in the water.
There will be activities later and someone will feed me.
A list of things I think about while meditating.
In the copying out it is somehow mine.
I have an error in my body.
How easily "it" changes to "them.
My nostalgia shot down.
I said "my what?"
A pink thank you card with owls, from Arielle.
And its only because money is an abstraction.
Is Day Book the word for Diary in boy-speak?
Overheard: "She needs to get a real private detective."
"She's going to be the counterpoint. We're trying to find a real counterpoint."
Fridays are so interminably exhausting.
If you could have poetry, why would you have anything else?
We are now in 1966.
Pages and pages of numbers.
Have to get a box though.
Duncan says: "The outrage of the war is the war's own way of taking over our minds." (Letter 384)
Realizing I may have been wrong, but then realizing I actually am right.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Week ending January 17
Week 12
Started crying in the preface.
Car chase scene in which nothing is being chased.
essays. With linebreaks.
My system has stalled but the internet is fine.
"If you're real you better tell me right now."
"Please say hello to me."
& so no ink til Wednesday.
A list of what I did on the weekend.
Finally an acknowledgment that I exist.
Everything looks displaced, like I am in the wrong reality.
Maybe there is a type of despair that comes as an ending to despair.
The tarot card Four of Cups.
So inward looking, not seeing.
Don't know what I dreamt last night but everything was lined up neatly in rows and there were a lot of them.
Wanted to give him something to eat but then I was so hungry I ate everything.
I love entering a darkened kitchen.
Calculations at left.
I'm definitely having anxiety about this movie about anxiety not being anxiety but about it being your superhero powers.
A list of emails I sent.
I never drank my tea.
My library receipt.
Sexuality is so frightening sometimes.
I didn't know what to say to her after that.
If you hurt someone's feelings that is a small step towards killing them.
I just always want to be reading poetry.
My new reading schedule.
Letter of apology from the poetry zine staff.
I know I'm sick because I don't even want chocolate.
"You think that might be enough carrots?"
I wish and hope that one day it just goes away.
Started crying in the preface.
Car chase scene in which nothing is being chased.
essays. With linebreaks.
My system has stalled but the internet is fine.
"If you're real you better tell me right now."
"Please say hello to me."
& so no ink til Wednesday.
A list of what I did on the weekend.
Finally an acknowledgment that I exist.
Everything looks displaced, like I am in the wrong reality.
Maybe there is a type of despair that comes as an ending to despair.
The tarot card Four of Cups.
So inward looking, not seeing.
Don't know what I dreamt last night but everything was lined up neatly in rows and there were a lot of them.
Wanted to give him something to eat but then I was so hungry I ate everything.
I love entering a darkened kitchen.
Calculations at left.
I'm definitely having anxiety about this movie about anxiety not being anxiety but about it being your superhero powers.
A list of emails I sent.
I never drank my tea.
My library receipt.
Sexuality is so frightening sometimes.
I didn't know what to say to her after that.
If you hurt someone's feelings that is a small step towards killing them.
I just always want to be reading poetry.
My new reading schedule.
Letter of apology from the poetry zine staff.
I know I'm sick because I don't even want chocolate.
"You think that might be enough carrots?"
I wish and hope that one day it just goes away.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Week ending January 10
Week 11
A post-sunrise sunshine hitting the blinds.
In the big of a middle depression.
How girls want to be pretty at all costs. How girls like to hurt themselves too.
When you wander from neighborhood to neighborhood not doing anything particular but feeling successful at yr day anyway.
You can't see anything from the hallway.
It's not a wonderful practice for me and not awful.
But also at its core it is mine and so I don't think frivolous after all.
& am I splitting myself in two never deciding on one or the other, and trying to do both?
A whole line of bartenders behind the bar, laughing.
"Put on a smile!"
But that there's nothing wrong with him, it is just for maintenance.
I guess feminism goes all over.
Overheard: "I don't give a fuck about Obama! I don't give a fuck about Obama! I don't give a fuck about Obama!"
There's peanut butter and jelly, and apple slices.
A list of end of the month bills.
Work writings pasted in.
It was just a matter of surviving my body.
I want to ask why suffering makes us lucky.
I need a different after dinner snack.
The one reason that the tenderloin is better than mission.
A post-sunrise sunshine hitting the blinds.
In the big of a middle depression.
How girls want to be pretty at all costs. How girls like to hurt themselves too.
When you wander from neighborhood to neighborhood not doing anything particular but feeling successful at yr day anyway.
You can't see anything from the hallway.
It's not a wonderful practice for me and not awful.
But also at its core it is mine and so I don't think frivolous after all.
& am I splitting myself in two never deciding on one or the other, and trying to do both?
A whole line of bartenders behind the bar, laughing.
"Put on a smile!"
But that there's nothing wrong with him, it is just for maintenance.
I guess feminism goes all over.
Overheard: "I don't give a fuck about Obama! I don't give a fuck about Obama! I don't give a fuck about Obama!"
There's peanut butter and jelly, and apple slices.
A list of end of the month bills.
Work writings pasted in.
It was just a matter of surviving my body.
I want to ask why suffering makes us lucky.
I need a different after dinner snack.
The one reason that the tenderloin is better than mission.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Week ending January 3
Week 10
Need to play classical music all morning.
I cried and cried.
Choosing while also wanting it a third way. But the third way seems impossible.
Remembered my dream upon waking but not interesting enough to remember it now.
I never know things to say.
My 10th grade english project about All Quiet on the Western Front and a mixtape that included Yaz's Winter Kills.
Sundays are for doing errands, and for the working class, only for that. But I do have a little more time for writing.
I felt like it was a joke and had to change realities.
It takes me so long to figure out that it's not working.
A sentence about aesthetics I have to write.
Or is everything incidental?
The outline of a trilogy book plan.
I'm simply excited about my new calendars.
My only New Year's resolution is to move out of the Tenderloin. Somehow.
Feudal relationships that exist because of a debt.
We have to be so tough.
& I don't know what will make me unlock the memory.
A long table & friendship type conversations.
But where do I place the 8 magical interstitial poems?
I didn't know people really did that.
Not scratching an itch and so squirming.
Maybe meditation makes people angry.
A list of people to email.
A list of things to clean.
That you don't have to buy new things to feel happy.
Even though the place I'm having a memory of -- I know doesn't exist anymore -- it does exist, so viscerally, in my mind, that is doesn't matter that it doesn't exist anymore.
Woke up with an angry line about moonlight.
A list of yoga guy's fashion styles that have influenced my yoga fashion style.
I think it *is* bad karma to be born a woman. And what is this for?
Turning suffering into a conscious suffering is a type of luck.
A list of non-poetry related jobs poets I can think of have.
Opening a door not in the tree but in the space next to the tree.
Need to play classical music all morning.
I cried and cried.
Choosing while also wanting it a third way. But the third way seems impossible.
Remembered my dream upon waking but not interesting enough to remember it now.
I never know things to say.
My 10th grade english project about All Quiet on the Western Front and a mixtape that included Yaz's Winter Kills.
Sundays are for doing errands, and for the working class, only for that. But I do have a little more time for writing.
I felt like it was a joke and had to change realities.
It takes me so long to figure out that it's not working.
A sentence about aesthetics I have to write.
Or is everything incidental?
The outline of a trilogy book plan.
I'm simply excited about my new calendars.
My only New Year's resolution is to move out of the Tenderloin. Somehow.
Feudal relationships that exist because of a debt.
We have to be so tough.
& I don't know what will make me unlock the memory.
A long table & friendship type conversations.
But where do I place the 8 magical interstitial poems?
I didn't know people really did that.
Not scratching an itch and so squirming.
Maybe meditation makes people angry.
A list of people to email.
A list of things to clean.
That you don't have to buy new things to feel happy.
Even though the place I'm having a memory of -- I know doesn't exist anymore -- it does exist, so viscerally, in my mind, that is doesn't matter that it doesn't exist anymore.
Woke up with an angry line about moonlight.
A list of yoga guy's fashion styles that have influenced my yoga fashion style.
I think it *is* bad karma to be born a woman. And what is this for?
Turning suffering into a conscious suffering is a type of luck.
A list of non-poetry related jobs poets I can think of have.
Opening a door not in the tree but in the space next to the tree.
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